I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
