News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize