I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
