i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
