You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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