My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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