I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
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