If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
