I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
