i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
