we're chasing vodka with high fives
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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