i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
