The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
how does that bad decision feel?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
