John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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