someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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