I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
