hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Mom said you looked used
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
