I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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