I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
