walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
