Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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