Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Mom said you looked used
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
