i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
