I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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