I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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