My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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