Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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