Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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