I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I love you.
Bad choice
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
