he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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