no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
