ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
