Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's shark week go big or go home
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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