I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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