how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
