just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's shark week go big or go home
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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