She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize