Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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