My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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