What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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