Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
