mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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