Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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