Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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