you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
