dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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