Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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