It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
