She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
