she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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