remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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