i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
