it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
