I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
