took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
50% drunk capacity currently
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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