Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
