Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
pray to the hookup gods
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
