Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
