I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My balls are so social today.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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