Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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